The menu is divided every three sandwiches, so I'll try to include some extra commentary when I complete every section. The first, the divisions of Primantiism, so you can figure out where you stand in this church of sammiches.
I like to think of Primantiism as a religion, because it has tenets and some things are sacred and should never be broken, and some things are sacrilegious and should never be done. But it's a sandwich religion, that dictates only what kind of bread-surrounded beliefs you should have.
The overall:
Primantiism - The belief that sandwiches should come with vinegar-based coleslaw and french fries directly in the sandwich, which should then be referred to as a sammich. Born in Pittsburgh as a reflection of the blue collar city and its citizens, exported to the rest of the world as an ambassador of our way of life in the Steel City.
But there are many different schools of thought that are included in this, and it is important to identify correctly:
Orthodox Primantiism - These people believe that the Smallman Street location, the original Primanti Bros., is the only true Primantis restaurant. None of the other locations come close to the magic of the original and therefore should be counted. The grease, the murals, the 24 hour service, the extremely scary underground bathrooms, et al., create the perfect experience of blue collar Pittsburgh life, and there's a reason why every time Primantis is shown on television, and it often is, goes to the original spot. It is the opinion of the Reformed Primantiists that these people are right, to an extent, their opinions should be respected, until they refuse to go to another Primantis. Sure, it might not be the same, but the food's still good.
Reformed Primantiism - The beliefs of this blogger. Reformed Primantiism acknowledges the importance of the Smallman Street location as the centerpoint of Primantis. It is a special place and should be revered as such. However, it is cash only, there are fewer people working so special things are more difficult, the refills are slower coming (and used to not exist), and there's often less space, so we accept the suburban locations as a more restaurant-style experience where longer hanging-out can happen and serve as a true extension of the original. However, we want it to be an extension, perhaps a translation of the original, not a significantly different experience. Therefore, changes such as plastic cups (from the original paper), steel plates (as opposed to the paper boats originally used, which is a logical extension of the wax paper used at Smallman Street), and uncut sandwiches stabbed with a knife (as opposed to a nice clean cut) are not accepted under Reformed Primantiism.
Catholic Primantiism - "Catholic" in the sense of the word's meaning of "united", they believe that all of the locations, including the new out-of-state locations as being equal among the suburban locations, no matter what their decor or who they paint on the walls, they are all Primantis, and they are all good. They recognize that the Smallman Street Primantis is the "first among equals" and the best Primantis, but otherwise the rest are all ok. Changes are slowly accepted, the plastic cups were probably a good idea. The steel plates upgrade the experience a bit and are probably better for the servers. The expanded menu gives more opportunities. And so on. They pick and choose and make good judgements over time. They are all for expansion, because it gets the sandwiches to more people, and that's generally a good thing.
United Primantiism - They accept all the expansion and changes because Primantis did it. They believe the Primantis locations to be equal, and that getting a sammich at a suburban location or out of state is as good as getting one in the Strip District. These are people who got a sandwich at a ballpark on a road trip to Pittsburgh and are happy to tell everyone else how great it was. Good for the brand, but this author doesn't believe that they know what all they're missing at Smallman Street.
Baptist Primantiism - Those who are not born into Primantiism, respecting the sammich from birth, but are converted later in life. Often the loudest and the quickest to celebrate the true food, they are a difficult group to keep up with and are often forgotten as one of the controlling sects because of their fervor. These people typically are from somewhere else in the country, but they knew a Pittsburgher, and that Pittsburgher showed them the proper way, in a good place, and showed them the ropes, and they became a believer in the great experience. They are typically not ok with change and reform, because they know the way they experienced it was the right way, and they'd hate for that to change with anyone else.
I'm sure there are others, and if you feel you have a situation that does not fit in with these, please comment and let me know, we'll come up with the correct label and set the record straight!
As always, we close with the rallying cry of the entire city of Pittsburgh,
Go Steelers!
